Consequences

            Back in mesa, I had a great friend named Robert Bunnell. We had gone through so much together. He was the kind of friend who would be happy one moment and deep in sorrow the next. He was known for not telling the truth for odd reasons. One day he even told me that his phone cost him 1,100 dollars and recharges itself! I went along with a smile knowing he would stand true to that belief until it be proven against him.

            You could say that Robert had 2 lives he was living; one in comfort, and one outside of comfort. He is Italian and has dark skin so he when out of his comfort zone holds to the gangster look. Most everyone at school accepted this Robert as the true Robert and never knew of the happy one. He had made many friends this way and had even gotten into a little friendly fight. I he told me about it and said I should come. So I did and watched my first up close school fight. Most of the ones I had seen were short and far away. This time I got to see a friend and a stranger up close. It was not what I had expected and was actually pretty lame. Haha, I bet you thought that that was going to be the consequence part. NOPE! It was later, but you have to understand Robert first. They had exchanged a few blows that weren’t very effective and then Robert slipped on the rocks and fell after a hit. He has been through so much as an adopted child and always seems to be slipping up.

            Of course the older kids liked taking advantage of Robert because of how self-cautious he is. They would sometimes be kind to him and ask questions to hear his BS. One day at mutual for our church, we had gathered together to play basketball. Robert wanted to get out of the house so he came along but refused to play because of all the competition. So he sat on stage and watched while texting. I had spoken with him briefly while I was benched from the game with Kyle Clifford for a bit. Kyle started talking to Robert about how he should be playing and that he was lame and un-masculine for not joining. I was called in to play and sadly was used to hearing such garbage from those boys so I didn’t pay it much mind. The next time I was switched out I found out through my stupid leader that Robert “was punched”. Ya, Robert actually looked up from his phone and stood up for himself. He told Kyle, “Shut up.” Not even in a loud voice. Kyle got up right then walked over and put Robert on the ground for it. I had to pry it out of my leader to hear for sure that it was actually Kyle who had done it. So I left the game to find Robert. I think Kyle was being spoken too by another leader of ours in the church at the time. I found Robert in his backyard which borders the entrance to the church parking. He was miserable and had been crying. When he saw me coming he wanted me to see a stronger part of him. He got up and mustered out, “I’m gonna kill him,” as he picked up a bat. I knew that he wasn’t going to do anything. The real him was soft and passive but he had grown to defend himself by lying to everyone till he actually believed his own lie.

 I know and love Robert, to the point where I can almost read his true thoughts, deep down through all of his lies that he puts up. He couldn’t deal with this pain of rejection any more. I alone could not fill in the gaps. He wanted retribution but knew he would never be able to get it. These boys well deserved it. So after calming Robert’s frustrations, I went home and explained it all to my siblings. They actually agreed on something I never thought of. My older brother told me that he would defend me after I go up to Kyle, in church, and punch him as hard as I could in his face. He explained an amazing and fool proof plan to make this look like an act of rage. Having it be mere revenge for Robert and Sam just being there by coincidence. The next Sunday came around quicker than I wanted. Sam was doing everything he could to not force me but I knew he really wanted this, as well as many others. The best opportunity came around and there I was about to premeditatedly strike down another man. I was afraid of so many things that could come from this and I just couldn’t do it. I let everyone down and remained safe in my refusal to act as was needed, for Robert’s sake at least. Ever since that day, Robert hasn’t come to church by his own will. He goes to give peace to his parents but there is no peace for him. He has come to realize the lonely world he lives in, where no one cares. There were no words that could fix him at that time. He is still damaged from this loneliness and every time I visit him, don’t know what to do to help. There is no way to act now. I can’t show him that he isn’t alone, and I fear that I never will. 

Inside a Bully Part 2

            This weekend, I visited my family in mesa where all of my stories have occurred. It has been bitter sweet to see and remember all that I could of this place. I have had an amazing time with my family and sadly haven’t spent much time at all with any of my happy memory friends.

This Sunday, I went back to church with all of these friends of mine and the ones who weren’t so friendly. I got to listen to a talk given to none other than Ammon Fisher. This boy had been a problem to me longer and more consistently than any other. He being used to having no one but my oldest brother in the ward, was startled to see my entire family of 8 in our seats. I honestly can tell you that I had even stronger feelings of hate towards him from all of the time of peace I’ve had. The memories that his face alone brings caused me to boil. We only made partial eye contact but I saw enough.

He looked sad. I don’t even know how to feel now. I think this break from each other has caused reflection in his life. He actually feels bad for what he’s done and for the first time in my entire life, I actually felt compassion for him. I fought it for a while but he truly was ashamed. He gave a nice talk on being an example. I still see problems but there is progress made in his life and family. I am grateful for the church and all that it can to a man’s life.

 I know that it was essential that I moved when I did for everyone to progress to a new stage in their lives. I guess we were quite the road block. We ourselves were at the end of our road. I feel that everything is for a reason and that there are no coincidences. We are all born here on this earth in this exact location. We were planed out perfectly by our heavenly father. We may feel like it’s our plans but in all actuality, it’s not. He knows all, future and past. He put us together to make the correct future whether or not we obey his commandments. I moved away so that Jared can find peace and friendship without competition. Heath now can learn the next step and fend for himself now that he has enough confidence. Robert had become too dependent on us as a crutch. We let him begin his first flights out of the nest. Ammon had some free time where there’s no one to mess with any more. Heath is bullet proof from what he’s gone through and Robert was driven out of priest corm all ready and had changed schools. So that left Kyle and Ammon with no one left. Eric has moved away and the other boys matured up and dropped the hate. Now Ammon was ready to see another victim. He didn’t want to see his victim though. He for the first time ever showed me that he was sorry and yet, I still ditched a meeting with them and hung out with Robert instead. It was best this way. Who knows, maybe I will see him tomorrow. I am going to bring as much of this screwed up mess back together and catch up.

People can change and overcome any obstacle. There is always an opportunity, given through the lords plans, for us to change. I know that there will always be work to be done and that there is always a way to change. Life doesn’t always have to be the same. Change is good and required. Life will hand us options but no matter which way you go, it will always be a part of the lord’s plans for you. So find time to smile, because that is a choice too. To be happy, is an important thing to change if we are not there yet. Our attitudes towards obstacles are essential to our ability to find our way out. We have to fight our problems and hunt for success whether or not it’s coming. Lest we never know if we could of beat it.

Inside a Bully Part 1

Inside a Bully Part 1

                As I look back on some of my scars in life, I find that I can correlate them into more recent events. This memory had to have been when I was 7 years old. Josh and I went to a friend’s house. Unfortunately, this friend of ours was a sister to Kyle Clifford. Kyle had to be, in my opinion, rank 3 on my hit list with Eric on the top. We had property borders with the Clifford’s backyard and our backyard. So we went over one day because we heard Ashley Clifford with a friend playing on their Jungle Jim. We probably played around for no more than 10 minutes when Kyle and the gang of others with him came. Eric, Ammon, Kyle, Steven, Sam, and Kyle Tryon slowed to a stop as they took in our existence. I don’t recall any exact words in this memory but I can remember my feelings. They instantly spoke out against us. We were told that they didn’t want us around. They began calling us names that kind of hurt me but hurt Josh more. They kept this going for about a minute with Eric and Kyle leading in these taunts. We were having fun and didn’t want to leave so we just said no and avoided their play space. I believe they were throwing a football around but that didn’t last long. They, with a surplus of flat balls in their backyard, began throwing them at us, telling us to leave in mean ways. By this time the girls left, and went inside. Now it was just a matter of whether we were going to listen to them or rebel. So, we replied by throwing balls back. We were outnumbered and outgunned. There were 6 of them and we couldn’t throw them as hard at them because they were all at least a year older than me. This, of course, gave them even more ways to put us down. Then they succeeded some way or another with a couple of hits. I think they coordinated an attack all at once. All I know for sure is that we got the trash kicked out of us. Eric was the most violent of them all and had hurt Josh. After getting hurt, we gave up the fight and were walking back to the border line to climb over the wall. They knew we were done and had let their guard down. I remember the feelings of injustice of the whole matter and acted rashly. We were about to get to the step, but there was a football and a flat basketball. I grabbed the football, knowing I could get the distance with it and flung it as hard as I could. This sadly meant that all of my accuracy went down the drain for power. It missed Eric by a good bit, because of what he had done and actually took joy when he saw us in fear or sadness. I had to give it a try and got all the insults I deserved for missing so bad. As they finished and began conversing amongst themselves again, I turned and looked at Josh. He whispered something like, “I’m going to try.” I grinned and told him to run home right after he threw the basketball. I never really thought he would hit him but I knew that if anything happens, I was going to take the fall for it. I remember the ball fly even now to this day. Even the warnings his friends made as the ball fell strait onto Eric’s face. He turned right into it and I was the one he saw with my arm in the position of an “after throw” arc. I just held it there and laughed quietly. I never looked back at what happened after Josh threw it. I couldn’t because of Eric.

 His face turned red as he screamed and bolted in my direction. I only had enough time to straighten myself up and spread my legs. Now I’m sure you all might think by now that Eric looks like some big, bad, piece of trouble, but the truth was quite contrary. Eric had a growth disorder which lead to so much hate towards us younger kids. He was about my height when this all happened and was probably ten pounds heavier than me. The problem though, was that those ten pounds were in his arms and legs. He came to me with his right foot first and slammed into my side. I caught this foot and maintained my balance. His left fist however, claimed all of his momentum into my right eye. This blow surprisingly didn’t hurt near at all. This had to have been the first time I felt the influence of adrenalin so strong. After getting hit, I backed up a step or two and took a better hold of that leg of his. I began dragging him, then lifting him off the ground and spinning him around. I, being quickly affected by rotation, had to stop. I flung him about two to three feet away from me and turned back to my borderline. I heard him land hard and already begin getting up. He was getting up in my direction too. My head was still spinning and I was a little wobbly in my retreat but I got to the step just as Eric got to me. I grabbed the top of the wall and flipped over it. Just as I was rotating over the top, I saw the hate on his face as he grabbed at my feet. I had a crappy landing and got a sticker or two in me as I ate dirt. It didn’t matter though, because of all the adrenaline in me and the fear that he was going to hop over the wall too. He stayed though, right on top of that wall calling out to me even meaner than before. I trotted back to my house after that and don’t remember a single thing after that. I do remember them calling out at me, “Hey Jacob, how does your face feel?!” days later though. That wasn’t very cool.

                I think this story has gone on a little too long and will finish my thoughts for next week on what I’ve learned from this. In short, I learned from this incident that violence isn’t always the answer. I knew I had a problem with these boys. On the contrary, I feel that a certain amount of violence is necessary. Throwing back at them in retaliation sent a necessary message. We will not bow down! It seemed to say to me. Throwing the football and basketball broke the peace of our defeat. It showed that we wanted to start war. In this case it was disgraceful to have us swine striking out at them. In return, Eric proved his superiority the best way he could for himself, for his friends and for me. I put him in a situation that caused him to act. Reactions are ok so long as you don’t overdo it. Going over the boundaries can only cause trouble. People like Eric may have trouble as his objective. The feelings of weakness might be in him for his height. He may be self-conscious and can’t stand it. So finding the only way to suppress these feelings, he may cause others to feel even more self-conscious of their weaknesses. This puts him above someone and allows temporary comfort that sadly will never fully be quenched. For deep down, he knows that he caused that and that he is worse off because no one had to cause him to become self-conscious. He did that to himself. This hatred of mine tends to center itself around that attribute. I hope I don’t end up like them for this, and hope to eventually burry that hatred. For, there are ways to overcome self-doubt without creating an example of another. There are friends to lift you up and family to help you stand your ground against the tempests life throws at you. I just fear that one some people might choose the worse path and take it out on someone like me.  It’s a barrio that I can’t help but make. It’s illogical, I know, but I can’t help holding on to these scars. 

The First Strike

Well, I too have found that I am missing a “point” to my blog posts. To fix this, I feel it necessary to switch things up a bit. I had planned on writing on a whole bunch of fun things but sadly, we are going to have to go to the not so fun things. This was what was in store before..

Ideas

1.       Zombies … that’s a lot

2.       Pool gait hop, trailer hiding under..josh, tree kicking, triple team me on wall escape jarom screw over Caleb tackle, thorn bush replacement, lifting zack

3.       doorbell ditching and orange strikes

4.       Doorbell ditching the fishers, Bro. Fisher dropping Zack

5.       Power cutting the Killians, doorbell ditching the teagues

6.       Movie making/ jarom themed, animals are ready to eat you video game gshots

7.       Bart orange fight/doorbell ditching

8.       Just for bart/ falling incidents caleb heath jarom in a puddle

9.       Scouting missions, Geronimo flag turning, uncle john’s calves, coonsbluff sabotaging of others scouts can of beans

10.   Quading experiences, getting shot at, flipping, cow chasing off p. , chasing coyote, flipping quads and shooting off of them

Now you’ll just have to ask me about one of those to find out.

                The story I am going to tell you today isn’t exactly a fond one. It was one of my very first memories. It was no more than a year after I had moved from my old home. I was 6 years old and my little brother was 5. We had some problems with a couple of the neighborhood boys and had the scratches from rock fights to prove it. This however was way too far.

                We had been invited to James Shawkeys birthday party. He was a boy younger than josh by a little bit and was still friendly to us. His older brother however had a problem with us already and was excited to show it. I was a little worried about how this party was going to go, and I actually still remembered wondering if Eric Shawkey was going to do anything to us there. He holds my hatred more than any other, even till this day. Eric was the most rebellious spirit I have ever come in contact with. When we got to their house bearing gifts, we found that he wasn’t even around. He never even participated in his little brothers’ birthday. I think he was there for a while watching but that was just a vague part of this memory. We had fun on a “slip and slide” and their trampoline. What I remember was the end of the whole party. We gave a thank you and said good bye. We went out front to get our towels to dry off and walk home. We were wet and still had our swim suits on, no need for shirts. I remember exactly where I stood and where Josh stood when Eric and all of his Older friends came back to his house. They entered in on scooters and bikes. They stopped and hung out by the tree in their front yard. Laughing, whispering and pointing at us all the while. I knew there was something going on but I didn’t know what to do with such feelings. I felt so bad inside as I dried my pants. Just as I was almost finished Eric ok’ed his friends and ran stealthily towards Josh and depantsed his swimsuit. Josh oblivious to it all turned around looking at all 6 of the older boys laughing and pointing. He looked down and saw why. I was right there watching the whole thing happen and knew, right when Eric got up, that it would be bad. I stood there and watched helplessly. Josh instantly exploded into beyond crying. He was mortified, sobbing from the start. I began crying with him as I helped his swimsuit back up. Not a word was even spoken between us that whole time. I couldn’t even say a thing against them. All I did was look at those animals as we walked home sobbing together arm over shoulder. We slowly recovered breath as we walked home. I still remember the pain I felt when I got to the door with my destroyed little brother as evidence to all that I was useless. This was the first strike and the beginning of my hate.

                What I learned from this experience is that not everyone out in this world is going to treat you right or will even want to treat you equal. This society that we live in is imperfect just like the people in it. We must understand taking precautions to avoid situations and that we must act when there is injustice about. If you miss your moment, you will never get it back. You can be targeted for not acting as well. To defend another doesn’t always have to be about that person. My P.E. class is a great example of that. Bullies thrive on weaknesses they can use against you. To not stand up for yourself is the best way to make a “friend”. The first strike against you is often the most important one. It marks you as a coward who won’t resist in any way or one who will always be a difficult to mess around with. This story is about the first of many strikes that I ever went through. Over time I learned the art of a mask and how effective it is to hold one. To cover up the truth behind the mask has saved me in unpredictable even terrifying moments in my life. With a mask, you can create from most pissed off human being to the happiest person possible. They are used for just about any reason but as for me, it is my defense. If only I had stood up for Josh, then things could have been different for us there. You’ll see what I mean in my new blog posts.